[ charlie has been keeping his distance, too, shoulders hunched inward and his arms crossed or one of them wrapped around his middle. he doesn't realise how defensive the posture is, or that it might make it more difficult for matteusz to approach him. he wants matteusz to approach him, and at the same time, he doesn't. matteusz is afraid of him, that thought keeps playing in his mind.
but matteusz reaches for charlie's hand, and charlie unfurls his arms so that matteusz can take it, letting their fingers tangle together. he still can't bring himself to look at matteusz, though. he should. he should be stronger than this, but he isn't. not when matteusz has been his rock and guiding force, when he's so lost and the person who'd promised to find him is afraid of him. ]
[ It hurts Matteusz, to see Charlie looking so lost. They can't continue like this, walking on eggshells. Whatever they've been hiding needs to come into the open. ]
We should talk. [ Which sounds like the worst thing he could possibly say. He winces, continues, ] I want to talk. I don't want you to be upset.
[ The hand not holding Charlie's seeks out Charlie's cheek, thumb brushing over his jaw. ]
[ he isn't entirely sure what talking is going to fix, whether they have not already said too much, both of them, but he doesn't want to lose this, what he had with matteusz. what he has. he loves matteusz, and he will lose him, and that is the truth — but it doesn't have to be now, not yet. does it?
charlie hopes not. and so he leans into matteusz's touch, eyes sliding closed for a long moment. ]
[ And Matteusz will wait until Charlie opens his eyes again to begin talking. Because he needs to look him in the eyes when he says, ] I need you to know that I love you, and that how much I love you is greater than how much I am afraid of you. I'm... afraid of how much I love you.
[ That's not all of it, and they both know that, but it's important that Charlie starts with that solid footing. ]
[ it melts some of the ice inside charlie's chest that's been there since matteusz' admission that he's afraid of him, since learning that matteusz and all of the others sometimes think ill of him inside their heads, that the people he calls his friends and looks forward to seeing every day think he's useless, that he asks stupid questions.
maybe that isn't all they think of him, but it still cuts deep. but matteusz looks him in the eyes and even without the stone and the prisoner, charlie can hear the truth in those words. maybe the truth is more nuanced than the things they'd shared in detention. maybe, maybe — charlie is almost afraid to hope, but how can he do anything but? hope and his friends and matteusz, that's all he has. ]
I love you, too. [ that has been true for so long now. it hasn't become any less true since matteusz' confession, or since charlie's own. ]
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but matteusz reaches for charlie's hand, and charlie unfurls his arms so that matteusz can take it, letting their fingers tangle together. he still can't bring himself to look at matteusz, though. he should. he should be stronger than this, but he isn't. not when matteusz has been his rock and guiding force, when he's so lost and the person who'd promised to find him is afraid of him. ]
Yes? [ he asks, a little uselessly. ]
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We should talk. [ Which sounds like the worst thing he could possibly say. He winces, continues, ] I want to talk. I don't want you to be upset.
[ The hand not holding Charlie's seeks out Charlie's cheek, thumb brushing over his jaw. ]
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[ he isn't entirely sure what talking is going to fix, whether they have not already said too much, both of them, but he doesn't want to lose this, what he had with matteusz. what he has. he loves matteusz, and he will lose him, and that is the truth — but it doesn't have to be now, not yet. does it?
charlie hopes not. and so he leans into matteusz's touch, eyes sliding closed for a long moment. ]
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[ That's not all of it, and they both know that, but it's important that Charlie starts with that solid footing. ]
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maybe that isn't all they think of him, but it still cuts deep. but matteusz looks him in the eyes and even without the stone and the prisoner, charlie can hear the truth in those words. maybe the truth is more nuanced than the things they'd shared in detention. maybe, maybe — charlie is almost afraid to hope, but how can he do anything but? hope and his friends and matteusz, that's all he has. ]
I love you, too. [ that has been true for so long now. it hasn't become any less true since matteusz' confession, or since charlie's own. ]